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Kim_Carrigan's Blog

by Kim_Carrigan from Dedham, MA

Last Post 4 days, 1 hour Ago

Standing By Her Man - Why?

Jul 10, 2008 | 10:51 AM
Category: News

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I want to ask you a question: why do women feel they must stand by their man even when he is behaving badly?

Yesterday, State Senator Joseph Marzilli was in court. He's accused of accosting four women in Lowell. During court proceedings the women told of their alleged experiences. One woman, a 60-year old, said the Senator asked her if she was wearing undergarments? Are you kidding me?

Through all of this ordeal, Marzilli's wife, Susan Shaer, continues to hold his hand and be photographed with him. She continues to stand by her man. I understand if she loves him and believes he is ill and needs help, but does she really have to be seen at his side all the time. I know this must be very hard for her. Wouldn't it be easier if she stayed away from the media glare? Couldn't she support him from a not-so-visible place...wouldn't that make it easier on her? Afterall, she didn't bring this on to the family...he did.

25 Comments | Add a Comment

Jul 10, 2008 | 11:26 AM

Boggles the mind, doesn't it?

jovanone

Jul 10, 2008 | 11:56 AM

Hello Kim,

Glad to see you're back and that you're feeling better, and playing golf no less, good for you.

Why is she standing by her man? I guess we would all have to walk a mile in her shoes before we can answer that question. I'm sure it can't be easy for her or her family, how embarrassing is that?

Would you stand by your man?

heatherfont

Jul 10, 2008 | 12:38 PM

This is a head-scratcher for me too.

Of course, I still don't understand how women let Hillary Clinton try to pull off the modern, independent woman persona while standing by a philanderer. Seems like a ridiculous double-standard and does nothing to further the cause of women's rights.

fenwaydav

Jul 10, 2008 | 12:44 PM

Kim Dear, Tammy Wynette said it best. May I...

Sometimes its hard to be a woman
Giving all your love to just one man
You'll have BAD times
And he'll have GOOD times
Doing things that you don't understand
But if you love him you'll forgive him
Even though he's hard to understand
And if you love
Oh be proud of him
'Cause after all he's just a man
Stand by your man
Give him two arms to cling to
And something warm to come to
When nights are cold and lonely
Stand by your man
And tell the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man
And show the world you love him
Stand by your man

People like Susan believe for better or worse.
Stupid? Maybe for us but this is what she has to do.....

Michelle00000032

Jul 10, 2008 | 1:21 PM

Hi Kim, I dont know how to answer other than saying that I question my own relationship every day. I have been with the father of my children who is an alcoholic for 20 years now and have been through hell. When he is drinking he is AWFUL, never physical but very verbally abusive to me, my children have never been subjected to him as he is not allowed in the house when drinking. ANYWAY my thing is that I am a Christian and have asked a million times that if you make a vow to GOD to stay in sickness and in health, is it right to leave? I am not sure if this is something that she is thinking but I take my religion very seriously but find myself questioning if God would truly want me to be so miserable to keep my vows. So as someone said earlier, I dont know if we can make judgement unless we have walked a mile in her shoes. My heart goes out to her because I am sure she IS very embarassed and probably wants to kill herself. My guess is she has a very low self esteem! Just my OPINION.

fenwaydav

Jul 10, 2008 | 2:44 PM

Michelle, I am sorry for your lot. As a alcoholic myself with almost 7 years of sobriety I certainly can relate to what you are living with. If he is anything like the way I was when it comes to verbal abuse He must be a piece of work. I never hit anyone either, but I caused more scares than any fist could. Hopefully over the past years I have made amends to those I hurt. Should you leave? Does God want you to stay? Only you can answer that. Maybe you are not sick and tired of it enough. Sounds like you can relate to the low self esteem. Have you ever tried alanon. Wish you the best....God Bless

BCAM
Jul 10, 2008 | 3:00 PM

Are you kidding me? "stand buy your man" Please, I would have booted him out! and Michelle your crazy! Abuse is abuse! 20yrs? he can"t be helped! What are you waiting for him to hit you or 1 of your kids, If he wants to get into your house when hes drunk he will, I had a cousin who wouldn"t allow her husband in the house when he was drunk, Guess what? he got in and killed her! In front of there 3yr old daughter! Don"t be stupid! get out!!!!

Michelle00000032

Jul 10, 2008 | 3:27 PM

Thank you fenwaydav, I appreciate that. I have actually come a long way with my self esteem issues, not 100% but a lot better than they used to be, my children help me through a lot. I put up with a lot less now that they are here as I am constantly trying to protect them from it and stand up a lot more. Being in recovery I am sure that you know that most alcoholics are really GREAT NICE people when they are not drinking which he is and that is the part that always reels me back in. As for Al-Anon, yes I have gone a couple of times and probably have not given it enough time but with 3 small children I dont have much time for me. Anyway I am sure this is a topic for another thread LOL. What I wanted to say was THANK YOU! People like you make me realize that there is niceness in this world afterall. I was beginning to think it was non-existant! Have a great day!

Michelle

JuneInMA

Jul 10, 2008 | 3:46 PM

Michelle,

Get better. Focus on YOU. Seems to me that you are so worried about honoring your vows, that you have not noticed that he already violated his "to honor & respect". I think it's time to let him go and start a new life for yourself and your kids.

nomorehacks

Jul 10, 2008 | 4:47 PM

Kim . This only happens with rich gold diggers ((Kobe Bryant), and useless politicians. WHen you are married to a politician that dose nothing for an over paid living, you have to stick by him, to be sure he has enough for alimony when you finally wake up and divorce him.

jovanone

Jul 10, 2008 | 6:29 PM

dav,

Congratulations on your sobriety keep up the good work.

Xantun

Jul 10, 2008 | 6:38 PM

Kim, I'd like to impart a bit of wisdom my grandmother was wont to tell my grandfather when he behaved like a jackass (Never to Mr. Marzilli's level by any means, but apparently he had his moments when they were younger!): "I said for better or for worse. I can't help it I got worse!"

Chip

Jul 10, 2008 | 6:45 PM

Love isn't only in good times...

And Kim....did you listen t what he said...I wasn't offended, I felt truly sorry for him. It wasn't lascivious, it was pathetic.

colleenagnes
Jul 10, 2008 | 8:00 PM

Kim , I have been very lucky in my marriage , been with my husband for 43 years,If he ever did one of the things this Moron has been charged with He would be out of my life and our kids lives.no question !some womam like pain,I guess..not me, don't embarass me or our children. glad to see you back,Kim! < saw all you ladies in southie,all beautiful people ! >

fenwaydav

Jul 10, 2008 | 8:02 PM

Jovanone, Thanks....

TheEliteOne

Jul 11, 2008 | 2:12 AM

She is one to think things through. It looks better in the divorce, if she stands by him know. Play the supportive partner now, croak him later with a great divorce lawyer.

Chip

Jul 11, 2008 | 5:46 AM

Michelle,

I have given a day of thought prior to answering you. Your response is more important that Marzilli's stuff. First, let me share with you that I celebrated my 20th year of sobriety last year. Secondly, let me share with you that that means I was a jerk 21 years ago.

Part of "for better or worse" is the strength to love someone enough to INSIST they do the right things. God would not have you live in misery. Maybe insisting could include requiring him to live seperately from you and the kids for a while. AA is a good, and probably the ONLY option for him besides "hospitals, institutions and death".

AA would tell him not to make any changes for the first year of his sobriety. My suggestion: require him to leave and as a condition of re-unifying he has to accept AA into your family's life (as do you). On the anniversary of his first full year of sobriety, go with him when he gets his "one year coin". After the meeting, meet with him and his sponsor, and discuss his sobriety and how your family can get back together without threatening, and actually strengthening, his sobriety.

You will have met your vows in spades, and God will love your for it!!

fenwaydav

Jul 11, 2008 | 7:57 AM

Chip, Do you still cringe when you think about your former life. I can't believe the pain I put my friends and family through. Do you think a professional might help Michelle (Social Worker). Wonderful advise.

Chip

Jul 11, 2008 | 8:22 AM

Dave,

Funny you should ask. The evening before last, my wife called t say she was detained at work, and my daughter had a basketball game. So, while driving home via subway or D'angelo's, I stopped at my favorite restaurant, owned by oneof my dearest friends (who has a years more sobriety than I do). Another friend and fellow Mason's car was there, and I know he eats there alone frequently. We ate together at the bar (I can successfuly go to the barber shop without getting a haircut...at least THAT barbershop). I was joking about the owner and what the place had grown into. Bryan said, I'd love to see a history written of thei place. My response: "but you wouldn't want anyone reading the chapter n you, and I DEFINITELY don't want the one on me printed!!!"

Ya...I cringe regularly.

I don't know what Michelle needs. It never hurts to have a therapist...but she needs a nice recovering one, with a memory like yours or mine. Wasn't Step 4 a bundle of joy?

Ya know, I'd donate my time to help Michelle head in the right direction...I sense a deep spiritual and personal decency there...Michelle, feel free to take my up on that offer!!

Michelle00000032

Jul 11, 2008 | 9:38 AM

Chip and Dave, Thank you very much for your very kind and helpful words. There is quite a bit of history in my life.

Its funny, when you oome out and say all that you have been through, some people just want to down the alcoholic and tell you that you are crazy for putting up with such behavior and how you should kick him out and move on etc. Thing is, its not so easy to just walk out on someone that, when not drinking is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE, someone that would do anything in the world for you, hence the "Most Alcoholics have the biggest hearts in the world when sober" phrase I so often hear.

Its the old, BRAIN tells you one thing and HEART tells you another. If they were not so closely connected the choice would be easy. So many factors for 1 decision.

I would actually love to hear more from each of you on the subject, just dont want to keep this going on here as I am sure there are many that are truly not interested. Feel free to email me at Michelle00000032@yahoo.com if you want to discuss more and I can give you a little more history.

For the record, I have done many of the things you have both suggested.

Thank you both again very much!

Michelle

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Kim_Carrigan

I anchor the FOX25 Morning News every weekday morning from 5 a.m. to 9 a.m.

Member Since: 2/17/2007

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