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by Mark_Ockerbloom from Dedham

Last Post 15 hours Ago


Kids and Marriage
May 8, 2008 | 7:08 PM
Category: News
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Having kids makes the joy of marriage disappear. So says Harvard professor Daniel Gilbert. He told an Australian conference that a married couple's happiness spikes when they're expecting a baby, but after the baby is born, it plummets. Studies in both the US and Europe show a married couple's low point comes when the kids are between the ages of 12 and 16 and that happiness only returns once the kids move out.

Happiness plummets? Can't agree with that one. Granted, additional stress is created by the demands of raising a child, but so too is great joy! I also believe it's how you handle it. You definitely have to work harder, but that too can be rewarding for the couple as they live and learn together. Once the kids leave the nest it would seem the stress can only be reduced because there are fewer people in the house, and at that point, the husband and wife are older, wiser and more patient. They also have more time to dedicate to their relationship like they did before they had kids.

My oldest is 14, so according to the stats, my wife and I are in the middle of what are supposed to be the "low point" years. And that's the last thing I'd call them in my house. Watching our kids grow and participate in school activities and sports is exciting and a source of tremendous pride and joy for us. Granted, there are times when things are challenging, but I don't see our happiness plummeting, only our lives evolving. Like many things in life, it's all in how you look at it. How about you?

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Member Comments Total Comments: 13
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Chip read my blog view my photos
May 8, 2008 | 10:14 PM

I'm with you Mark!!!
fenwaydav read my blog view my photos
May 9, 2008 | 2:46 AM

Speaking as a single man and in the prospective of a child I have to agree. Between 12 and 16 and well beyond after I moved out, I was the worst human being on the face of the earth. The grief I created must have caused a tremendous amount of tension. I remember a period when my mother was mad at me and I asked her if she loved me, "I love you, but I don't like you". Those words hurts till today.
Happyg read my blog
May 9, 2008 | 8:08 AM

Clearly this man is a malcontent. We live in a large two family home in which my core family lives on the top two floors and my oldest daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren live on the first floor. Since our chlidren range from 28 down to 12 I must say that while over they years everyday hasn't been Sunday, the rewards, which still come daily, are more than one man should ever receive in life. Maybe it's because I married an angel, maybe not. I'm thinking the former. But clearly this man is missing something. Maybe the Harvard in him wouldn't allow him to say some of the most important words ever created; "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you". But it's never too late to learn. I'll say a quick prayer for him. God bless the family!
Xantun read my blog view my photos
May 9, 2008 | 9:18 AM

Hmm. So my grandparents (who never really had all their kids leave and got stuck with 2 grandkids) were unhappy? Wow, I missed THAT one! And so did they, apparently...No Divorce Court, or even marriage counselor there. Just a couple of people HAPPY with all the good in their lives. Like Happy said, it wasn't Sunday everyday, but there was enough love and happiness to go around!
jovanone read my blog view my photos
May 9, 2008 | 9:55 AM

Hi Mark,

Marriage and Kids need work 24/7 365 days a year. They both need to be nurtured like a garden or a lawn. The harder you work at it the better the results. Once the roots begin to develop and become strong the stress level lessons, but, the nurturing continues for a life time. It’s something that shouldn’t be taken for granted.
kayleisnana read my blog view my photos
May 9, 2008 | 10:00 AM

I don't know how Professor Gilbert obtained his information, but, it truly saddens me to think that he has said what he has. I am not naive enough to want everyone to believe that things don't change when the children arrive, however, a marriage is what you make of it. There are many things in a family's life that bring joy(and tears, as well), and God knows we have shed many a tear, but, the joy in our marriage has NEVER wavered--if anything--it has grown stronger from year to year. It takes two people to make it work, and if you are truly in love with your spouse, it's not difficult. My husband and I will be celebrating our 34th anniversary this Sunday(Mother's Day), and we couldn't be happier. I am 55 years old, and we have been together since we were both 18; we have grown together; we have made mistakes and worked them out together. There isn't anything that makes me happier than having him in my life. After all these years, we STILL enjoy each other's company; we love being together; we STILL hold hands, and we go out on a date every Saturday night. WE are the most important part of our family!!! Having our family was a decision we made together, and there wasn't anything that brought US(as a couple) more joy than the births of each of our three daughters. And, now, as grandparents, who could ask for more than that? Family is what has, and always will bring us joy!!!!
tom1964 view my photos
May 10, 2008 | 1:37 AM

It would be interesting to see who they talked to for this study. I wouldn't say my happiness plummetted after marriage(14 years) & kids(2). They are only 3 & 5 so I guess I have a few more years before I hit rock bottom. Everything in life as I knew it changed but it certainly did not take my happiness. Yeah you have ups and downs but thats life not the kids, nobody ever said it was going to be easy.

Remember the Commercial in the early 80's for the army "It's the toughest job you'll ever love" I got news for them!

The hugs I get from my 2 little ones is worth more than anything else anyone could give me.
anngee
May 10, 2008 | 3:10 PM

How sad for Professor Gilbert! I hope he doesn't have children who, after hearing his comments, blame themselves for his "plummet in happiness".
Chopp143 read my blog view my photos
May 11, 2008 | 11:01 AM

Having been married for 25 yrs. with two sons 23 & 20, I can honestly say that there was never a point in their upbringing that I felt unhappy with my situation. For many people life is overwhelming, but short of a catostrophic illness, many issues that people view as stressful don't have to be. I can remember hearing many parents complain about being at the ball field on a Sunday afternoon or hockey practice on a Wed. night and how disruptful it was for them. For me those are the times I remember with great frondness and was thankful that my sons were healthy enough to be participating, rather than having the stress of a sick child. People sometimes lose sight of what is important in life and that is sad.
Mark_Ockerbloom read my blog view my photos
May 11, 2008 | 4:30 PM

Great points guys. Glad to know I'm not alone on this one. tom1964...good observation. I too would like to know who they talked to for this study...sounds like they needed to dig a little deeper and talk to a lot more people to obtain some more comprehensive results.
DAWNAPRIL read my blog view my photos
May 12, 2008 | 12:32 PM

MY PARENTS WERE THE PERFECT ROLE MODELS FOR ANY CHILD , DAD WORKED DAYS AND MY MOM WORKED NIGHTS SO THERE WAS ALWAYS A PARENT AT HOME MY DAD TAUGHT ME HOW TO COOK AND HE AND I WOULD PLAY CANDYLAND AND WATCH T.V AT NIGHT, AND DURING THE DAY MY MOM WOULD SIT WITH ME FOR HOURS LISTING TO ME CRY OVER MANY A BOYFRIENDS LOL SURE WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS BUT ISNT THAT WHAT MAKES US STRONGER?? I AM A SINGLE MOM AND MY KIDS ARE 13&16 AND I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO BE ABLE TO SHARE THEIR LIVES WITH MY SON WITH HIS FOOTBALL GAMES AND MY DAUGHTER WITH HER KNOWLEDGE OF COMPUTERS, BUT MY MOM AND DAD ARE VERY DOTING GRANDPARENTS SO THAT HELPS, BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY I WOULD LOVE A MAN TOO CUDDLE WITH AND SAY HOW WAS YOUR DAY!!! BUT UNTIL THEN I WILL PUT ALL MY LOVE AND ENERGY ON MY KIDS!
C_Fox read my blog view my photos
May 12, 2008 | 10:57 PM

When they do a serious study on a subject, they have to take a broad range to get an accurate picture. Whether they did this or not would determine the reliability of the results.

Many here that have responded, seem to be 'looking back' on the overall picture of raising their children. I think we can all look back and say "it was all worth it".

However, I find it hard to believe having children is less than or the same as having no children. No children means less pressure, less responsibility, more free time, etc., so it doesn't suprise me that the 'happiness' factor drops to some degree once children come on the scene. That doesn't mean, though, that parents regret having children or it destroys marriages. If anything, it strengthens a marriage, imho....providing there are no great financial problems or personal conflicts which can and do ruin relationships in some cases. Love conquers all!
Zigulis101803 read my blog view my photos
Jun 8, 2008 | 2:46 PM

you know that I am with you as well mark and we are married but don't have any children at all and when the Child Grows up and moves out of the Apartment then he is on his own, Our Pastors have four kids and it is hard to tell them when they are between 9-16 years old. Mark give me your opinion on this issue. Thanks, Casimir T.Zigulis
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Mark_Ockerbloom

I anchor the Fox 25 News at 5, 10 & 11pm and want to hear from you. Feel free to drop me a line anytime.

Member Since: 10/17/2006


 

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