Nick_Dussault's Blog

David Cook should watch his back. Daddy Archuletta may just think Idol is like Miss America where the first runner up gets the crown if for some reason the winner can’t complete her reign. Dream-stealing David might just be the next “why me” victim of a band of Jeff Gillooly-like thugs. And we thought it was over…

What a pleasant surprise when Seacrest announced the winner was David Cook. Little Davey is better off. Hopefully when he graduates from high school he’ll realize he doesn’t have to live under the iron fist of Daddy. Maybe he can finally take his boy band wanna-be butt out of the house and live on his own like most kids his age aspire to do. Let’s hope he keeps in touch with Daddy Lloyd Weber. He has major marquee value for about the next four years. He can establish himself on Broadway, bankroll a hefty sum and sing his little heart out. But I digress.

There were some really high highs last night but the lows were so low that I’ve already heard plenty of people say they’re not going to watch next season.

I loved the David Cook – Z.Z. Top number though I must admit the beards on the antique rockers probably caused a lot of nightmares. I was also impressed with Brooke White and Graham Nash teaming up for “Teach Your Children Well.” It was indeed a very sweet moment (and probably the only way either one of them would get such a sweet prime-time spot). Ditto Carly Smithson and Michael Johns’ great musical moment.

And then there was the rest of the show…

The genius behind Guru Pitka should be forced to spend the summer at Casa Archuletta listening to Daddy whine about what could’ve been. If that wasn’t the dumbest moment in the history of television it’s only because the Pips audition with Gladys Knight, Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr. earns that honor hands down. Are they trying to get R.D. Jr. to relapse? He’s a serious actor, with real talent. No. Make it stop. Who thinks this stuff is funny? Maybe Jimmy Kimmel does, which would explain why he was there to deliver yet another, humor-challenged, Silverman-esque monologue.

After watching Amanda Overmyer sing Donna Summer I can sort of appreciate that the disco diva was there. The Harley-riding rocker chick was awesome as she belted out some “Hot Stuff.” And then came Donna. Now I’m not the kindest person in the world, but even I would’ve suggested that since she can’t walk down the stairs unassisted, perhaps a different entrance would make her seem less, uh, ancient. Sure she can still sing but last night it felt like the cake’s not the only thing that’s been left out in the rain. (See “MacArthur Park” if you don’t get it.)

After nearly two hours of the roller coaster ride that included visions of Dime-A-Dance David Hernandez, a dreadful appearance by Jordin Sparks (who?) and a smokin’ hot Carrie Underwood proving why she’s the best Idol alum of all time, we got to witness the creepiness that is anything related to George Michael.

When the medley began I knew it would go down hill, I just never imagined how far, how fast. I doubt I’m the only one who was repulsed, revolted and transfixed all at the same time as Little Davey, Jason Castro, Dime-A-Dance, Michael Johns, Chikeze and David Cook sang “Father Figure.” Midway through the song I desperately needed a shower but I was afraid the train wreck would get even worse and I’d miss something.

I was right. L.A.’s most famous men’s room accessory was in the house promoting his first world tour in 17 years. As he descended the staircase (at least he was sober enough to do it alone), all I could think was where oh where is Jeff Gillooly when you really need him?

Shame on you American Idol for your blatant pimping (wink, wink). Honestly, I loved every minute of it. I might even try to score tickets for the Wham master’s tour – If I go, I’ll just wait ‘til I get home to use the bathroom.

In the meantime, congratulations to David Cook. It’s not often that the best man wins on American Idol. It’s only happened twice before and look how well Kelly and Carrie have done.

As for Daddy Archuletta…”So You Think You Can Dance” starts tonight. Is it too late to get a little pair of black tights for Davey?

Five, six, seven, eight, dance Little Davey, dance.

Any luxury car dealer in Southern California who has yet to call Daddy Archuletta this morning should lose their job. You know this tool has already begun to spend little Davey’s money and the winner has yet to be announced. But if you watched the snorefest you know David Cook all but rolled over and played dead as the little Wishnik sang his way to the title of American Idol.

The theme was boxing and, quite frankly, whoever decided that should be out pounding the pavement today. From the ring announcer intro right through to Simon’s declaration that little Davey delivered a “knockout,” this was the dumbest, most annoying concept the Idol folks have ever done. And there have been plenty of others.

After we learned that David Cook weighs in at 180 pounds and little Davey (the 100-pound weakling) can’t even throw a punch, the duo disrobed for the 7,000 screaming fans at the Nokia Theatre. And then they sang…sort of.

But not before we had to watch them get advice from the big contemporary music geniuses Clive Davis and Andrew Lloyd Weber. Then we had to watch more ridiculous pre-produced boxing-themed footage. And then they sang.

First up was Clive Davis’ choices. Cook sang “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” It was his best moment of the night, but it certainly didn’t blow anybody away. Simon called it “phenomenal” but he hadn’t heard little Davey yet.

Round one eventually went to Archuletta after he did Elton John’s “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Me.” Paula, clad in a pink prom dress, was working her A-game when she said “the sun is never going to go down on you.” Too many jokes fit here so let’s just move along and say that Constantine Maroulis was in the house again this week.

He once told me this is his way of giving back. Looks more like a desperate attempt at publicity to me, not unlike the high school quarterback who keeps coming back for visits because nothing else has happened in his life.

Anyway…on to round two. Apparently sometime when I, thanks to Tivo, fast-forwarded through the Seacrest drivel and the commercials, Idol announced a song-writing competition. Last night, the finalists got to perform a song they chose from the top 10 entries. Somebody needs to tell Nigel this is a horrible idea. The songs all suck and nobody wants to hear them. Somehow, little Davey (even without Daddy’s help) chose a better song than David Cook, though not by much. But it was enough for Simon to toss round two to Davey.

Round three was where David Cook really blew it by choosing Collective Soul’s “The World I Know.” It was a bad, boring choice. Simon asked why he didn’t sing “Billie Jean” or “Hello”. Runner-up to be Cook mumbled something about progression. Truth be told, he’s probably afraid Daddy Archuletta will kill him if he wins. How else can you explain such stupid choices?

At least little Davey knew enough to choose the song he sang the first time he brought down the house. He did another great rendition of “Imagine” and, as much as it kills me to say this, deserves to win the whole thing.

I only hope he doesn’t commit career suicide by hiring Daddy as his manager. The smart contestants get a professional manager who helps them navigate their way to a  successful career. Not only is the guy a proven dirtball, but it NEVER works out. You know Daddy’s already quit his day job and started looking for beach houses.

Of course, in little Davey’s case, there’s always Daddy Lloyd Weber.

One final thought before they cover the little one with confetti. Did David Cook blow the whole thing because he wants to be the next Chris Daughtry? Hmm.

You may be wondering why the final three showdown of the “closest race American Idol has ever seen” was so boring. In a word, (actually two), song choice. They should let the audience pick the songs next season. Obviously Paula’s not the only one sipping from the Coca Cola cup.

First up was David Archuletta. Paula’s pick made Daddy’s choices actually look good. Billy Joel’s “And So It Goes!” Are you high? Never mind. It’s not that it’s a bad song, but the Idol machine is clearly trying to turn little Davey into a boi…bois don’t do Billy Joel. Randy said it was “dope.” Paula called it “pure and stunning.” I nearly vomited. It was OK, but not something you’d expect from the top three and America’s next it boi.

Syesha was up next and Randy started the job of guaranteeing it’s a battle of the Davids by choosing Alicia Keyes’ “If I Ain’t Got You”. He called it “amazing,” Simon told her she “look(ed) gorgeous.” She’s going home tomorrow night – that’s just the way it is.

Round one ended with David Cook singing Simon’s choice “First Time Ever I Saw Your Face.” Huh? BLEEP, dude? But Simon saw something we didn’t see. He actually did a great job with the song. And according to Cowell, “round one goes to Cook.” Is anyone still awake for round two?

Here come the contestants’ choices…

Little Davey couldn’t ask Daddy for help because he’s been banned from backstage. (I WAS RIGHT!) So all by his little lonesome he chose “With You” by Chris Brown. (Isn’t that the guy from the O.C.?) The poor little thing was trying to be hot but all he did was bring sexy back about 200 years. He’s so awkward, so uncomfortable, so asexual…is he too old for DSS intervention? This kid is almost robotic and they’re trying to make tweens want him. For what? Simon called his performance “a little bit like a Chihuahua trying to be a tiger. Damn it’s hard to spell Chihuahua.

Syesha’s choice was Peggy Lee’s “Fever.” Are you kidding me? She should’ve just stayed home and packed. Sure she looked hot but she didn’t even work it. It’s an old song that could easily turn into bad lounge music. And it did. Sorry Syesha, you all but called the cab to the airport with this one. Your time is up.

Mercifully, David Cook is up next and he has chosen Switchfoot’s “Dare You to Move.” I’d never heard of that group or that song. But I’m old. Can we just end this and get on to “So You Think You Can Dance?”

Not quite. One more round. This time the producer’s prove how very out of touch they are with their choices.

Where oh where is Daddy Archuletta? Little Davey’s being forced to sing Dan Fogelberg’s “Longer Than.” Dan Fogelberg? Let’s go back to Neil Diamond, at least people have heard of him. This is absurd. Longer than, blah, blah, blah…but wait. If you rewind to minute :43 you can see just who it is that little Davey looks like. Remember those little troll dolls? I think they were called Wishniks. Get a picture of one online and imagine it with spiked black hair. I’m just saying.

Justin Guarini is in the house. Yes!

Does it really matter what poor Syesha does for her final number of the competition? She could sing Whitney better than Whitney and she’s still going home. Simon pointed out that her best moment happened last week when she did the Sam Cooke song. Why didn’t he just tell her to turn out the lights when she leaves?

Finally the end is in sight, but first we have to listen to David Cook sing “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.” He rocked it to the best of his ability given that it was cut to 90 seconds. It wasn’t his best performance ever, but it was certainly the best performance of the night.

And so it went. The only thing left is the official pronouncement by Seacrest that the finale will be a battle of the Davids. Watch your back David Cook, Daddy Archuletta will stop at nothing to get his dirty Mama Rose hands on that million dollar contract. Look what he’s doing to his own kid…you’re a complete stranger. Oooh, the tension mounts.

Meanwhile at the airport Syesha’s wondering why the hell she ever sang that stupid Peggy Lee song.

“Is That All There Is?”

I’m afraid so. (If you didn’t get the last joke, it’s a bad Peggy Lee reference.)

See you next week for the big singoff.

Has Idol jumped the shark?

It certainly seems like America’s favorite talent show has seen better days. If it weren’t for the stoner antics of Bong Boy Castro, last night would’ve been the most dreadfully dull moment since Melinda Doolittle retreated to the background. Ugh.

It was Rock & Roll Hall of Fame night which meant the final four got to choose two songs from the official list of the 500 most influential rock songs of all time – or something equally inane. Should be good news for the rocker, right? Not so fast.

I was psyched to hear David Cook was going to sing Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like the Wolf” and he actually did a pretty good job with it. Nothing special, nothing to “make it his own” as the judges like to say, but it was better than “awight” to coin a Randy phrase. Apparently Paula was left with a big appetite for David Cook…will she ever learn?

My new favorite Syesha Mercado was next up with Tina Turner’s “Proud Mary.” Looking a lot like Tina, Syesha kicked it into high gear and wowed the crowd. Randy loved it. Paula mumbled something about happiness and Simon called it “screechy, a bad impersonation.” I can think of 42 million reasons why that man should be in a better mood but I guess after what came next, I’m glad he wasn’t.

Bong Boy chose a Bob Marley song…because he sounds so much like him? Because he’s the real deal? Because he’s a little white stoner kid who thinks he’s all that because he discovered Marley? Stop me when you find a plausible reason that dullard thinks he should be singing Marley – or anything else for that matter. He was “CATS” bad and this was supposedly his element. When Simon said “I don’t know what you’re thinking” Boy on Weed grinned and said “I was thinking Bob Marley.” I’m thinking he doesn’t think much unless he’s running out of weed…just saying.

And of course occupying the pimp spot yet again tonight is everyone’s favorite, little David Archuletta. Daddy chose “Stand By Me” for Davey’s first song and he even gave him some trite patter about singing the song alone in his room, then singing it to his dog (somebody call the ASPCA). Then he sang it like with all the flash of an asexual tween from Up With People and yet the judges loved it. After their rave reviews Davey gave us the Mrs. Shrek – I mean Melinda Doolittle – awe shucks shtick and went backstage to await daddy’s text message approval. Someone needs to tell little Davey to hire a professional manager before Daddy spends all his money and ruins his career. I’m willing to take bets on that one.

Next up was the return of David Cook with his stripped-down version of The Who’s “Baba O’Riley” (erroneously called Teenage Wasteland if you’re wondering). I liked it. A lot. I think the judges did too but Randy’s rantings and Paula’s swooning and asking for more Cook took up all the time. All Simon could say was “welcome back David Cook.” Indeed.

Syesha was next up with a stellar rendition of “A Change is Gonna Come.” Randy wasn’t so happy with it. Paula welcomed her to “your dream” and Simon, hold onto your hats, made us wait for his pronouncement that he agreed with…Paula. Yahoo.

Bong Boy was next with yet another nod to a Bob. This time it was Bob Dylan and the song was “Mr. Tambourine Man.” Good choice, great start, but the little weed whacker forgot the lyrics. The dude who looks like the love child of Whoopi Goldberg and John Travolta has zero brain activity and even less interest in this potentially life-changing competition. Maybe he can’t function because it’s hard to score weed in the Idol house. Hmm… Simon told him to pack his suitcase. Seriously, dude, think about it.

Rounding out the night was little Davey doing Daddy’s final choice, Elvis Presley’s “Love Me Tender.” I guess this one was for all the girls who think they’ve actually got a shot. Think pre-pubescent Claymates, if you know what I mean. It was creepy. He has no charisma, no star quality and ZERO sex appeal. It almost feels dirty using his name and sex in the same story. Yet somehow Simon must see dollar signs down the road for the little man with the big bad daddy. Why else would he have said “you crushed the competition tonight.” He didn’t. But Simon says…

We’re getting close to the end and I haven’t been right yet this season. I’m going to break the streak tonight with the easiest call of the season.

Say good night Jason Castro…you Buffalo Soldier, Dreadlock Rasta, you.

I thought Neil Young was a terrible choice for a mentor. Sure David Cook will kill vintage Neil Young, but the rest of them - ugh. Then I heard it was NEIL DIAMOND – Cracklin’ Rosie get on board - who chooses these people? This had the potential to be the worst mentor week ever. And it did not disappoint.

Dude where’s my Castro was first up with a multi-range rendition of “Forever in Blue Jeans” that’d make even the most fashion forward among us switch to polyester. Does he even know this is a competition? The judges thought he was “better than last week,” but if you listen carefully, the bong-hit wonder can’t even really sing.

David Cook, on the other hand, can sing anything and proved it when he gave Neil Diamond goose bumps. It’s not quite the “you are ear delicious” Neil Sedaka-Clay Aiken moment of season two, but it was hot. Okay weird maybe, hot no. But “I’m Alive” was pretty decent given the circumstances. I’m voting for Cook.

When Brooke White straps on the guitar and starts to strum, am I the only person who thinks she looks like Phoebe from “Friends”? And when she started singing “I’m A Believer” she sounded a lot like Lisa Kudrow’s atonal alter-ego as well. But she’s so nice I almost feel guilty saying this stuff. Almost.

I knew one of them would sing “Sweet Caroline” but I never dreamed Daddy Archuletta would choose it for little Davey. Thank you God and thank you Daddy A. Neil Diamond once said he hated the way Red Sox fans sing this at Fenway Park. Wonder what he thinks now? Hey if the Sox repeat do you think little Davey could sing this during the World Series? Go Sox!

And go Syesha Mercado. She did it again. I really liked her “Hello Again.” Andrew Lloyd Weber was the best thing that ever happened to Syesha. He told her to perform and that girl can certainly deliver. Broadway’s calling, honey.

But first the judges have to recap round one. Randy does the dawg drill. Whatever. Then Paula slurs her way through some comments about the Castro debacle and stammers right into her critique of his second song. Did anyone tell her he hadn’t sung the second song yet? Everyone knows there’s a dress rehearsal (well they do now anyway). And anyone who thinks this isn’t a big scale production rather than the simple talent show it professes to be probably believes little Davey wants this more than his daddy does. So the real fun here was watching the long-ago Laker Girl trying to squirm her way out of this one. Now this kind of reality television makes me want to “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow.” Hey, nobody else has plugged it in awhile.

Anyway. After that little misstep, it was all pretty much downhill. Dude where’s my attempted “September Morn” proving once and for all he has no interest in winning this thing and he’s not much of a singer.

David Cook sang “All I Really Need is You.” Paula said she felt like she was looking at the next American Idol. Then again she was judging songs that had yet to be sung less than 20 minutes ago so who knows what she was looking at. But Cowell called it “brilliant” and I agree.

Oh no, Phoebe Bufay’s playing the piano now. And if I had to pick a favorite Neil Diamond song (shut up) it would be “I Am, I Said.” And if I had to be honest with you, she did a very good job on it. Excellent, really. We might just have her to kick around next week after all.

Ditto David Archuletta. There’s no way this kid can do any wrong in the eyes of the judges. I was wondering who would sing “America,” Michael Dukakis’ presidential campaign theme song in ’88 in case you needed a contemporary reference. Of course daddy would choose this, it’s the second hokiest song in Neil Diamond’s repertoire. Who better to get all Americana on us than little Davey? If only they had put him in one of those little sailor shorts sets that were all the rage on boys his (size, not age) a generation or two ago. Or maybe they could’ve had Mark Harris (Martha Raye’s widower) standing behind him waving old glory as David sang. And Liza Minelli in a sparkling flag dress egging him on while sipping from the magical Coca Cola cup. This is show biz folks, if you’re gonna go for the glitzy cheese, do it right.

As Syesha wrapped up a stellar rendition of “Thank the Lord for the Nighttime,” all I could think of was thanking the Lord because it was almost over. Simon called this the “craziest show ever.” He was right. Fortunately it came to an end and then America voted. Oooh.

Tonight the bottom two will be Dude where’s my Castro and Brooke White. And to turn a phrase from a song about as current as anything Neil Diamond has ever done, I think young Jason is “one toke over the line.” Dude, where’s your bus ticket? Seriously.

Syesha, Syehsa, Syesha, get thee to an Amtrak station and don’t get off that train until you hear “Penn Station next and final stop.” Where have you been hiding the girl who blew the doors off of Sir Andrew Lloyd Weber week. That’s right Seacrest, it’s SIR Andrew Lloyd Weber and you never got it right. But Syesha certainly did. I’ve been hoping she’d get the boot for weeks and last night I voted for her. Often. This girl could be doing eight shows a week on the Great White Way by Memorial Day if she weren’t committed to the Idol bus & truck show. Hopefully someone will tell her to get an agent and a manager in the business. Now that we’ve seen what she can really do I’m loving her.

Not so Jason Castro. Dude, seriously. Someday you’re going to look back on this great opportunity and realize you blew it. Do your homework. Even if you don’t like Broadway, you just disrespected one of the greats in a multi-billion dollar a year industry that’s employed many successful Idol alums. You’re a buffoon. First of all, you chose a song that’s sung by a middle-age diva. Secondly, you admit in front of millions of people “I didn’t know a cat was singing it.” The show is called “CATS”! You’ve got a chance to shine in front of millions of people and you act like it’s all a joke. And when you screeched what should have been the song’s money note cats everywhere tried to take all nine of their lives. You shouldn’t even be allowed back for the cheesy group number.

And Brooke White should probably be asked to leave with you. First of all, from the vast repertoire of Andrew Lloyd Weber she chooses a song he wrote for Madonna to sing in the film version of “Evita.” Not such a good idea. But then to show up at her workshop with Weber and not know that Evita was dying when she sang this song? Does she even want to win? Those little kids on the poster should get their nanny back pronto. Substance is about to start triumphing over nice and Brooke may just pay the ultimate price.

So why did David Archuletta’s father choose a girl’s song for little David to sing this week? And how pathetic was it that he turned Fantine’s deathbed song into a bubblegum boy band song without the adolescent sex appeal tweens usually shell out big bucks for? Did he even read the lyrics? (Daddy, I mean, not David). As Simon said he’ll sail into next week. But if I were young David I’d watch where I slept. Now that Andrew Lloyd Weber has outed you for always singing with your eyes closed Daddy Rose might just Krazy Glue them open. Just looking out for ya.

Four down, two to go and Carly Smithson tells Andrew that she’s going to sing “All I Ask of You.” NOOOOOOOO. Fortunately, the good Sir has other plans for her. He suggests “Superstar” from “Jesus Christ Superstar” and she kicks it. Who cares what Randy and Paula were mumbling? Simon called it “one of my favorite performances of the night.” And he was right.

David Cook got the pimp spot tonight and revealed that he grew up doing musical theater. It explains a lot about his ability to work the stage and it also gave him the chance to show that he can indeed sing anything. The kid’s got great lines (a singer thing called legato), breathes in all the right places and treats this competition with all the life-changing reverence it deserves. His great respect for the visiting artists each week doesn’t hurt either. He should be the next American Idol.

But if you see Daddy Archuletta running around with Krazy Glue in hand, please don’t tell him I said that.

Not sure if there will be a bottom three tonight, but if there is I'm rooting for:

Brooke White

Jason Castro

and yes I'm sorry the Archuletta boys.

And it's back to the beach for Jason Castro.

I’m still in shock over Mimi night on Idol. After all the diva drama Mimi has supposedly created over the years, the pop princess in pumps could not have been a better mentor. In fact, she’s probably one of the only mentors worthy of having her own night.

First up was David Archuletta who squealed “I listen to your music all the time” – in pumps. I added that last part for my own amusement. David’s daddy chose this inspirational Mimi tune called “When You Believe.” The judges loved it. I thought it was boring and a bit pitchy until I noticed he was wearing leather pants. Ick. David’s daddy will stop at nothing to win this thing. Daddy don’t go the sexy route with David, please.

Carly Smithson followed the second coming with an OK performance of “Without You.” Am I the only one who remembers the pre-Mimi version of this song? She did a fine job with the original rendition. And she also thanked the band which earns her big props in my house. But then they showed her tattoo-faced husband and ick I think I’d rather see David in leather pants…OK no I wouldn’t but this show is getting weird. Where’s Mimi?

There she is doing fake kisses with Syesha Mercado. She invented this game, Syesha. Sit down, shut up and sing. “Vanishing” was her choice for Mimi night. I’ve never heard of this one. Apparently the judges haven’t either as they engaged in some silly debate about choosing songs the public knows at this point in the competition. I agree with Simon on this one. Recognizable tunes get my attention.

In fact, I’ve been talking about Brooke White’s “Hero” since it ended. Oh my God she would’ve been better off going to her sister’s wedding and phoning in a live version of “Love Shack” from the reception. Poor sweet Brooke hit a couple of wrong chords on the piano, freaked out a bit vocally and, sadly, failed to deliver anything of note (at least the notes that were written) on Mimi night. The good news is she’ll get major props from the audience for blowing off the wedding (though probably not from her sister). Hopefully that’ll keep her here for another week.

Kristy Lee Cook gave Mimi goose bumps. You know the little tartlet loved it. She’ll be telling that story for years to come. And if she keeps showing skin, she just might win this thing. Use what you’ve got, Kristy. She sang something called “Forever.” Vocally it was quite good actually. Now if the dress had been just a bit shorter and a tiny bit tighter in all the right places, she’d be guaranteed a spot in the top three. But even if she makes it into the bottom three, I think Kristy Lee’s gonna rise again.

On an unrelated note, I never before noticed that David Cook isn’t much taller than Seacrest. Hmm. But last night the he-man host was all over the tearful tunesmith after his really original take on “Always Be My Baby.” Nice work, David. The man who should win this thing took a pop song and really did make it his own. The judges loved it. After some big bad karaoke becomes a breath of fresh air analogy, Simon said “this is the sign of a great performing artist, someone who takes risks.” Daddy Archuletta’s already trying to figure out what risks David needs to take next week. In the meantime, David Cook ruled this night.

I forgot about Jason Castro even before he performed. Mimi called his interpretation of “I Don’t Want to Cry” “interesting and different.” Come on, Mims, say it. You hated it. Like Randy, “I didn’t really love it.” He always makes me feel like I’m watching the outtakes from “Dude Where’s My Car.” Seriously. Just a bong and a song to finish off the night. I used to be a huge fan of Jason but now he delivers everything with that stoner grin on his face and you know he’s thinking “I didn’t even practice.” Looks and sounds that way to me, dude.

Simon claimed the boys mopped the floor with girls tonight. David Cook certainly did and the other two will probably round out the top three.

As for the bottom three:

Brooke White

Carly Smithson

Syesha Mercado.

Tonight Syesha will go home. As for the big winner…it was really Mimi. She should buy her agent a Porsche for hooking her up with this gig. Pure PR gold.

Almost makes me want to buy E=MC².

Almost.

The second annual Idol Gives Back is upon us and I can’t help but wonder what it is that Idol actually gives. The sponsors have all ponied up. The, ahem, talent has donated their salary for the night. And the contestants will lure the viewers in by answering the phone calls for their pledges. But nobody has said what the folks at Idol are giving back. Hmm…

Now before I go getting all political, let’s talk about inspiration night. Each of the eight remaining contestants got to choose a song that inspires them. What would you choose? I think I’d pick the Monty Python anthem “Always Look on the Bright Side” or the theme from “Laverne & Shirley.” Actually I really wanted to choose the mega-hit that every 17-year old boy loves “Angels” but someone already grabbed it. So let’s go, on with the show.

Despite the fact that he claims to have chosen “Dream On” because he’s living his dreams, Michael Johns actually thinks he’s a rock star like Steven Tyler and the gang. Keep dreaming, dude. Paula thinks you look good but I think that bustier she’s wearing has cut off the flow of air to her upper torso. And the more she speaks, the more I think the brains behind “Opposites Attract” may indeed be oxygen deprived on inspiration night.

Syesha Mercado is so inspired to give back by Fantasia that she sang “I Believe.” I don’t believe I’ve ever liked the song less than I did after she, mercifully, finished it. Despite having more backup singers than the Spice Girls reunion tour (and I was there), Syesha delivered Fantasia’s anthem with all the soul of an old white woman at a WASP bridge tournament. I believe her time has come – at least I hope so.

Rumor has it that Danny Noriega nearly fell of his Prada pumps when he heard Jason Castro was going to sing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” Danny thinks Judy and Kat McPhee are the only legends ever to sing Dorothy’s song. Jason found that ukulele-backed version everyone in the world has heard except for the three judges who act like he came up with it all by himself. It sounded to me like he did a few bong hits, played along in his room for a couple of days, did a couple more bong hits and sang it on national television. They loved it. I thought it was the worst copycatting I’ve seen on the show in years. Either way he’ll be answering pledge calls on Idol Gives Back night. Seriously dude, that’s awesome. Seriously. Dude.

The big moment of the night came when Kristy Lee Cook took to the stage looking like a countrified Haley Scarnato. Showing skin, weary sparkles and hoisting up her best assets did wonders for the little cowgirl. She sang Martina McBride’s “Anyway” but I don’t think it mattered much. She had that let’s get down and dirty thing going on and that sells records. She will not be in the bottom three this week. And she shouldn’t be.

David Cook, on the other hand, may find his cocky self sitting on one of the silver stools. “Innocent” was his inspirational song. I have no idea. Paula mumbled something about the whole package and again I have no idea. Simon called it “a bit pompous.” I think a bit is a bit kind…the guy was strutting like he’s the second coming of Chris Daughtry. And he wrote “give back” on his hand for a closing close-up. How Constantine Maroulis of him Ugh.

Carly Smithson got her inspiration from the Queen song “The Show Must Go On.” I like the song so I guess I didn’t hate it as much as Simon did. He thinks she’s in a bit of trouble. I disagree. Then again, I’m not pimping for little David. I think she’d be a great finalist and I voted early and often to try and make it happen.

Speaking of David, this week his father chose the mega-hit “Angels” as his meal ticket’s inspirational song. The little commodity played the piano while singing with the enthusiasm of Rosie at a Chippendale’s show. Randy “loved it, loved it, loved it.” Guess he must be getting producer credits on the winner’s first single. Or maybe he’s been sipping from the wrong Coca-Cola cup.

I coulda used a sip myself as inspiration night drew to a close. Brooke White chose Carole King’s “You’ve Got a Friend” and Simon compared it to “a pleasant walk in the park.” A very dull park indeed.

Say good-night, Syesha. But not until Idol is finished giving back.

It’s Dolly Parton night and you know what that means. America will be kicking itself for voting Amanda Overmyer off the show. How great would it be to watch her working on “I Will Always Love You” with Dolly Parton? You blew it America. And you’d better start thinking before you vote…even after David is crowned the next American Idol.

How about the April Fool’s joke Seacrest pulled at the beginning of the show? What a hoot. For a minute I really did think the show was cancelled and Simon Cowell was instead going to do a very special “Moment of Truth.”

Does Seacrest even read his copy before he reads it on national television? Doubt it.

From the top two questions plagued me tonight. Since the hog-riding nurse is busy on the talk circuit, who will indeed sing “I Will Always Love You”? And who’s going to make me say “there are 3,000 Dolly Parton songs and you picked this”? Had I thought about it even for a nano-second, the answer to the first question would be obvious. But I never thought the answer to the second would be everyone but Carly Smithson.

Song choice can make or break you at this point, kiddies. And no matter what your creative little brains tell you, (or in one case your overbearing stage parents), most people like to hear songs they already know.

Though Brooke White’s “Jolene” might change that forever. The song’s been done a million times, a million ways and though Brooke’s one of my favorites, this bored me to tears. Simon said it was “lacking any emotion” and of course Brooke thanked him profusely. But not before she complimented Helmet Head Abdul on her latest cut & color. I was more interested in that purple flower snugly nestled in her cleavage. What’s that hiding?

And what made David Cook choose a song about sparrows? He’s finally showing us that he can do his own arrangements and look at the song he picks. Randy called it “another hot, consistent performance.” Paula liked his new haircut. Maybe they went together…Hmmm. Who cares what Simon thought? This, too, was boring, though a bit better than Brooke.

Apparently the song Ramiele Mulabay chose is called “Do I Ever Cross Your Mind?” making me say yet again “3,000 Dolly Parton songs and you chose this?” Simon called it “cruise-shippy” a word he coined for moments like this. It sucked. She sucked. And she was dressed in some school-girl jumper that looks like it’s an off-the-racker from Talbots for teens. Come on, Ramiele, call your bff Danny Noriega and let him take you to the sexy girl stores. Your sense of style is about on par with your ability to make the right song choice. And yet, somehow, they keep voting for you.

I’ve decided I would no longer buy Amway products from Jason Castro. His charming demeanor turns out to be more of a dim-witted persona than likeability. Now when I look at him all I can see is John Travolta in that Scientology movie. I’m afraid he’s gonna start singing songs that are loaded with subliminal messages about joining the ranks of the Thetans. I think I even heard “you too can become an OT-3” as he listlessly performed “Travelin’ Thru” from “Transamerica.”  Sorry Jason, if I can’t be an OT-6 like Tom Cruise, I don’t want to be a Scientologist. Come to think of it, I don’t want to be like Tom Cruise either so I guess I’ll just keep watching Idol.

Next up, singing my favorite Dolly Parton song is the Irish girl. Nice job on “Here You Come Again,” Carly Smithson but Simon is right about your wardrobe choices. Kelly Clarkson figured out a way to hide her bodacious butt by this point in the competition. You should call her. And while you’re at it, tell them to stop showing your husband’s tattooed face all over the television. It just bothers me. And now for the good news, you rocked tonight. Randy said “it will probably be one of the better performances of the night.” He was almost right. It was the best. Multiple votes for you, many thanks for such a great song choice and also for making it your own. (I should be a judge. I’m available, hint, hint.)

Though I would probably get booed every time David Archuletta took the stage. How could he go from my favorite to overly-stage mothered cupie-doll in such a short period of time? I know Dolly loved him, blah, blah, blah. And the judges thought he was great, blah, blah, blah. But he just makes me squirm. And why does he have that unsightly earpiece? You know it’s a direct connection to the father who’s threatening to beat him if he screws up their one big chance at hitting the big time. Or maybe it’s his rarely seen mother feeding him the lyrics so they don’t repeat the Beatles night part deux debacle. They’re thisclose to becoming the next Jackson family…no pressure, David.

No pressure on Kristy Lee Cook either. She’s made the tour so she’ll certainly earn enough cash to buy her horse back. And she’s a hot girl, so she’ll just keep getting votes until it comes down to hot girl or talented singer at which point she’ll go riding off into the sunset with a boatload of cash. And in her future there’s gonna be a rich man, an independently-recorded CD nobody will buy and a fancy house in Southern California where the domestics will raise her kids while she does Pilates.

Why was Vanna White in the house?

Syesha Mercado will not fare quite as well as Kristy Lee. She’s probably going home after her strange Dolly-Whitney hybrid version of “I Will Always Love You.” It was fine, but if she wasn’t hoisted up on the Steinway, everything about this performance would’ve already been forgotten. It’s season seven, honey, didn’t anyone ever tell you not to do anything by Whitney or Celine?

And finally the end is in sight as we hear Dolly saying “I think I could probably write some good songs for (Michael Johns).” I don’t get what people like about him. In fact, I don’t even know what song he sang. Isn’t anybody gonna sing “Nine to Five”? “Islands in the Stream”? You call this Dolly Parton night? April Fool’s on me, I guess.

Bottom three:

            Brooke White

            Jason Castro

            Syesha Mercado

I’m guessing Syesha’s name will be on the guest list at Dollywood this week. And if I’m right, Jason Castro should thank his Thetans because his number is almost up.

Okay so I’m 0-for-1 so far. I guess I thought everyone in America would love to see what would happen if a male stripper actually was a contender on American Idol. Sorry Dime-A-Dance, looks like it’s back to the “Thong Song” for you.

Did you get a look at the rock Kat McPhee was wearing? Where did her husband/aspiring actor/manager get the cash for that thing? She must be raking in some big bucks if his ten percent bought that bauble. Of course it doesn’t look like she’s eaten since the show ended so maybe they put their weekly allotment of Whole Foods money into the ring. Let’s hope they didn’t buy it on credit banking on her hitting it big. The noise that came out of her sounded more like a tribute to the screechy musings of Yoko Ono than anything resembling a Beatles song.

But that was last week. This week, our fave top 11 proved that lightning doesn’t strike twice with another foray into the music of the Beatles. Even Simon said it probably wasn’t such a good idea after listening to the largest collection of mediocre performances in the show’s history. They all pretty much sucked.

Kristy Lee Cook told Simon she “can blow you out of your socks”. Unfortunately, Simon’s not voting so she should probably just concentrate on singing well. Her “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away” was so dull that the hot chick factor might not be enough to save her this week. Unless of course Simon intervenes.

David Archuletta continues to make me uncomfortable. His reaction to forgetting lyrics in front of 30 million people last week was “dang it.” This week he sang a very Andrew Lloyd Weber-like rendition of “The Long and Winding Road.” The judges loved it. Sounding like she’s taken one too many sips from the big red cup, Paula blathered on about his purity, his character, blah, blah, blah. Simon called it “master class.” I found it very Broadway touring company. Am I the only one who thinks he might be one dimensional? And would you really pay to see him do his “Community Auditions” schtick in an arena?

Michael Johns was up next and his most memorable moment to date was performing “Bohemian Rhapsody” during Hollywood week. That is about as good as its gotten for the aspiring Aussie rocker. He tried to put everything good about “A Day in the Life” into 90 seconds and he failed miserably. Paula tried to save him by saying how hard it is to learn to perform with the earpiece. Seacrest pointed out he wasn’t wearing one and the ex-Laker Girl changed her tune. “There’s no excuse.” It doesn’t happen often, but this time she’s right. I think this guy’s running out of chances.

Could somebody get Brooke White a stylist? When you start looking like the love child of Paris Hilton and Big Bird, it’s time to seek professional help. And of course the saffron clad cutie sang “Here Comes the Sun.” Nobody really liked it. Simon confessed that he “just knew when you were choosing that song you’d be dressed in yellow.” Didn’t we all? Everyone has an off night, let’s hope this was hers. She’s still amazing, just not infallible.

David Cook didn’t exactly wow anybody tonight with his “Day Tripper.” What’s up with that Peter Frampton voice box thing? It felt so Blake Lewis to me. Again, I think he’s great though I have friends who think he’s way too cocky. I have to admit showing his fist with at the top of the show was a bit rocker wannabe. Dude, I know Chris Daughtry came from this show, but so did Clay Aiken so stop trying so hard. No need to rock our world, just sing, dammit.  

Carly Smithson chimed in next with a sweet, tender version of “Blackbird” that Simon hated. Considering what we’ve seen so far, I kind of like it. But the girl needs to hook up with Brooke and get a stylist. Did you see that hideous shirt? And the 7 tattoo on her finger? Please, please, please stop showing her tattoo-faced husband. I think the face should be an ink-free zone – at least on “American Idol.”

This week Jason Castro found out “my bell” was French as he prepared for a rendition of “Michelle” that would make any girl named Michelle change her name. Fortunately, as Cowell pointed out, this is a television show and he’s got this goofy charm that makes people like him. He’s starting to resemble John Travolta in that Scientology movie but he’s still so likable that you can’t help but root for him.

At this point in the show I couldn’t remember the names of the remaining contestants and Syesha Mercado quickly reminded me why. Her “Yesterday” made me yearn for tomorrow when I could hopefully forget about this whole Beatles part deux experience (that’s French, Jason). It was boring. I couldn’t wait for it to end because it meant we would be that much closer to FOX25 News at 10.

But first we had to listen to Chikezie. I'll always hate him for having one name but this week he gave me another reason why I want him back in the baggage business at LAX. I’ve always thought “I’ve Just Seen a Face” was a really fun, perky little Beatles’ tune…until now. He tried to Lutherize the first half, which was abysmal. Then he played the harmonica (atrociously as Simon noted) as a transition to an up-tempo ending that felt like a hillbilly hoedown gone awry. One name deserves two words after this…good-bye. Unfortunately it won’t happen yet. But one can dream.

Speaking of dreams, I could barely stay awake for Ramile Malubay’s “I Shoulda Known Better.” Simon’s remark that “it sounded like Chikezie was on harmonica” was indeed the high point of this show. And finally, it was over.

Bottom three:

            Chikezie

            Kathy Lee Cook

            Amanda Overmyer

Say good night, Kathy Lee Cook. You’ll never get the chance to blow Simon out of his socks.

Ooh the top twelve – it’s getting good now.

When Seacrest (who sadly no longer uses his trademark Seacrest out signoff) promised a whole new look I thought he was referring to his funeral director suit and lack of frosted blonde Lance Bass-like locks. But alas, he was talking about the brand new set which looks to me like an amalgam of every set they’ve ever used with a hint of the beautiful set at FOX 25’s Dedham studio and a mosh pit. Can’t wait for the day Paula ends up in the pit.

But until then there’s a show to put on and last night they proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is collectively the most talented group ever. The theme was the Lennon – McCartney songbook…how much is Yoko extorting for this one? The night she showed up on Paul McCartney’s doorstep and he sent her to John Lennon’s house as a joke continues to be the most lucrative throwing of oneself at a rockstar in history, no? Didn’t the joke turn out to be on McCartney that night…and forever more?

But I digress.

Last night, American Idol was amazing. Syesha Mercado kicked off the show by showing off a flawless set of teeth. Those pearly whites are perfect. Her singing, not so much. She’ll make it to the next round but should probably start packing the whitening strips just in case.

Next up was Chikezie. I hate him because of the one name thing. Who does he think he is, Trenyce? He could deliver the most amazing performance ever and I’d still hate him for his lack of last name. Unfortunately, he came real close to astonishing last night with a “She’s A Woman” that’ll enable him to sail into next week with a legitimate shot at the big prize. If he only had a name.

Maybe Ramile Malubay can give him her last name. She’s not going to be needing it much longer. Dressed like a popular girl on class night, Ramile dedicated “In My Life” to all her “close friends who’ve left the show already.” The good news is she’s probably going to be available to go on Rosie’s Family Cruise with new bff Danny Noriega. The thought of those two parading around the upper deck is “TMTH” so let’s move on.

I’d buy Amway products from Jason Castro. There’s something so charming and likable about this kid. He sort of bored me to tears with “If I Fell” but I’m sure enough people did in fact fall for him so he, too, will be around for the next round.

Carly Smithson kicked it next with, to quote Randy, “a stellar performance” of the Beatles’ classic “Come Together”. She nearly brought the house down. Simon was reminded of “6 years ago exactly the same week Kelly Clarkson.” I agree and have nothing else to say except that I can’t stand when they show her husband’s tattooed face. Makes K-Fed look good.

In his little prequel, David Cook admitted that “you really have to be on your game” in this competition. Was he ever. With an “Eleanor Rigby” that rivaled any I’ve ever heard, David put himself on the short list of viable contenders. The 48 million dollar man thought it was “brilliant” and remarked “If this show remains a talent competition rather than a popularity contest, (David) could actually win this show.”     

Ditto Brooke White in my humble opinion. Not only did the authentically sweet young woman deliver a stunning “Let It Be,” but she actually acknowledged the band and the fact that this is “the big time.” People who take it seriously, behave appropriately and make smart song choices tend to do well. Don’t believe it? As Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood.

What would make David Hernandez choose “I Saw Her Standing There?” And why would he talk about his job as a server at the Pizza Bistro? We’ve all read that old Dime-A-Dance David used to make 2,200 large on a good Friday night baring all at a gay strip club in Arizona. No way anybody making that kind of cash is going to sling sausage pizzas on the lunch shift…even at the Pizza Bistro. And I’m guessing he doesn’t really give a hoot about the girl he saw standing there either. Oh Dime-A-Dance, the truth will always set you free. Unless of course you’re Elliot Spitzer in which case the truth will get you in a whole lotta trouble and out of a job. But you’re not Silda’s husband, Dime. You need to lighten up and remember a lot of people will vote for you because you’re good looking. More still because you really can sing. And then there are those of us who will risk tendonitis hitting redial on the off-chance that a one-time dance hall (king) might just be the next American Idol.

I’d also get a kick out of watching Clive Davis and company trying to turn a genuine biker chick into a tween sensation but it’s not gonna happen. Amanda Overmeyer will probably stick around for awhile because she is, as Simon said, “a breath of fresh air” in the competition. She’s also genuinely talented and probably a lot of fun to hang with at the local biker bar. But she’s not gonna play the game. Sadly, watching her trying to navigate her way through a group hug is wildly entertaining, but it just proves she’s not Myley Cyrus enough to woo the major contingency of Idol voters.

Kristy Lee Cook, on the other hand, would be the perfect big sis for Hannah Montana but she’s hitting all the wrong notes on Idol. Simon called her countrified “Eight Days A Week” “horrendous” and likened her performance to “Dolly Parton on helium.” That pretty justifies his whopping paycheck. As for Kristy, she needs to think season six Haley Scarnato. If the cowgirl shows a little more skin she’ll probably make it to the tour and earn enough money to buy her horse back. Maybe Dime-A-Dance Hernandez can give her some pointers.

Speaking of strippers, in the Broadway musical “Gypsy” June and Louise have the most outrageous show biz mother of all time, Mama Rose. Rose leaves her husband, marries an agent and drags her kids cross country trying to make them stars. After watching videotape of little David Archuleta singing “And I Am Telling You” to the season one Idol finalists two weeks ago, it’s hard to shake the vision of Mama Rose living at casa Archuleta. Why would an 11-year old boy know the big diva number from “Dreamgirls”? And why would he chase down the American Idol finalists and perform it for them? And finally, why would Mama Rose just happen to be standing there with a videocamera capturing Baby June – I mean Baby David’s performance on videotape and saving it for the day he, too, would be an Idol contestant? It feels so wrong in that somebody call DSS way to me.

This poor kid’s been training so hard for this moment that the pressure’s making him crack. In his pre-performance film he claims he didn’t know anything about the Lennon-McCartney songbook. Didn’t he practically get crowned the next American Idol after singing “Imagine” two weeks ago? Oh David, don’t ruin Mama Rose’s big moment…you’re thisclose to making her dreams come true. Sing out Louise and for God’s sake don’t ever forget the lyrics again.

And why has this kid already had the pimp spot twice? Random schmandom, somebody wants him to win. How else can you explain the rumors about songwriters being told to write with him in mind? Hmm.

Oops, I almost forgot about Michael Johns. If it weren’t for his comment “you’re not a real musician if you haven’t been affected by the Beatles,” his appearance last night could’ve easily ended up on the cutting room floor of my mind. But he did say that so I say let’s keep him around for another week. He’s really talented…but I can never remember his name. Well at least he has two of them.

So tonight it’s gonna take an hour to kick one of these contestants off. I say bottom three will be Kristy Lee Cook, Syesha Mercado and Ramile Malubay who will ultimately get the boot.

And rounding out the hour will be a performance by Katharine McPhee and the announcement of this season’s mentors. Rumor has it one of them is Mariah Carey. Calm down Dime-A-Dance you’ll probably get the chance to meet Mimi. But so will Amanda Overmeyer and that my friends has the potential to be great television.

I really miss “Seacrest, out.”

I’m back after a brief period of mourning for the phenomenon that was Sanjaya and all I can say is GO KiKi! My favorite former bank teller kicked butt on Bon Jovi night making the whole competition feel once again like a two person race.

Being a huge fan of the man and the band who made anthems like “It’s My Life,” I watched with great trepidation hoping beyond all hope that the aspiring Idols wouldn’t destroy their music. And not only did they not destroy it (in most cases), it was actually one of the best “Idol” nights in recent memory.

Was Jon Bon Jovi not one of the best mentors ever? What a great guy. He actually offered constructive feedback and well thought-out opinions on the artists and their upcoming performances. And he called them artists! Bravo, Jon. And who did your teeth? They’re amazing.

I don’t like Phil Stacey very much – never have. So when I heard he was singing “Blaze of Glory” I couldn’t wait to use the line “I’m going down in a blaze of glory” because I knew he would. Then he claims he’s been practicing this song in front of a mirror for 15 years and I thought it would definitely suck. But he sang it really well. Randy liked it. Paula thought it was one of “the best opening performances on the show.” Simon said it “thought it was okay.” I think he’s wrong this time and so was I. Phil will probably be around for another week.

Ditto Jordin Sparks despite the most horrific rendition of “Livin’ on A Prayer” in the history of rock and roll. I give the girl an A-plus for effort but ouch when she missed a note in this song, she missed it in a huge, loud, screechingly painful way. Bon Jovi warned her “this is a very difficult song to sing.” She should’ve listened. Even Paula said it was “out of her range.” And then some, Paula.

Speaking of Paula, does anybody else miss the old days when Paula would slur her words and make ridiculous comments? I’m kinda jonesing for some of that or maybe even another scandal involving a former contestant. She’s been too good for too long and I’m sick of the adolescent flirting between the talent behind “Cold-Hearted Snake” and Simon Cowell. Stop touching each other and listen to the artists. That’s your job.

Our Miss KiKi certainly got the frisky duo to sit up and pay attention with a stunning performance of “This Ain’t A Love Song.” Bon Jovi said he “would bet money that she’s not going home this week singing this song.” He’s right. She was extraordinary. Simon kept his hands off Paula long enough to say “I actually could kiss you after that you were so good.” Then he did. On the lips. Seacrest made some foolish comments but I stopped listening. I had to go vote. Often.

In hindsight I would’ve loved a power surge at about this point in the show. Cowell said that “half the audience will absolutely hate” Blake’s beat-box butchering of “You Give Love A Bad Name.” Count me in. What he did to that song felt like sacrilege. Bon Jovi himself said “he has to sell this interpretation of a song a lot people know and don’t want it messed with.” Maybe he did sell it, but not to this Bon Jovi fan. I think he should be strung, quartered and “shot through the heart” for what he did. And then send him home without putting his hair back to the color it was just a week ago.

I think it’s also time to send Chris packing as well. He showed up to sing “Wanted Dead Or Alive” with Jon Bon Jovi and he didn’t know all the words. What a fool. This isn’t the first time he’s done this. Whether you win the competition or not, (which he won’t), when you get the chance to impress some of the greats in the music industry, you show up prepared to impress. Who’s giving this kid advice, Justin Guarini? Big Mama should dope slap him when he returns to Virginia this week. Which he will because his performance was pretty bad.

Melinda did what she does namely playing the “I’ve never done this” game then kicking the daylights out of the song. Bon Jovi promised he could teach her how to rock and he did. She sang “Have A Nice Day” with attitude, strutting around the stage in a tank top playing bad rocker chick with the guitarist. Not her greatest but clearly proving she can sing anything. But is anyone ever going to pay to see her do an hour or two on a big stage? No matter how well she sings, she’s just not that exciting to watch.

Neither were the last two guests of the evening. Oh the lengths young Georgie and the little missus will go to to improve his approval rating. Hovering at around 30%, I’d say he, like Chris and Blake, is “Living on A Prayer” if he thinks last night’s performance on “Idol” is going to help his chances. Did they really have to say thank you for “Idol Gives Back?” How about thanking some soldiers for risking their lives or showing up at the funerals of those who’ve lost their lives while the rest of us get to spend our free time chatting about a singing competition?

But I digress…Wednesday is results night. Let’s hope we hear “It’s My Life” but please God not as a cheesy group number.

In the meantime,

I still miss Sanjaya.

Go KiKi.

And as always, Dussault out.

Sanjaya got mentioned more times last night at the Red Sox Welcome Home Dinner than Manny Ramirez. To be fair, Manny wasn’t in the house…then again neither was Sanjaya. He was busy working the crowd on Latin night – and it may have worked. Dubbed by Randy “one of the smartest contestants ever,” my favorite Italian was actually pretty good last night. But more on the man in the pimp spot later.

First let’s talk about J. Lo. She’s hot. Real hot actually. And she admitted she watches “American Idol.” Same day, different town, Taylor Hicks was heard saying he’s too busy to watch the show that gave him his fifteen minutes of fame. Isn’t his time up yet? Anyway, back to J.Lo. She was having a blast with the contestants, something the judges (and in all likelihood the viewers) couldn’t do. After hearing the Latina lovely claim “the key to Latin music is the passion” the rest of the evening was a long, slow, dull descent with only a couple of  bright lights to keep the masses awake long enough to watch the pricey ads on the small screen.

Melinda Doolittle started the night with “Sway” a sexy little number that she performed in a black dress that made her look like the 50-year old single aunt of a bride at a really dull wedding. Before she began Doolittle said she’s “not sexy” but I think the problem is her lack of confidence extends far beyond her vocal prowess. No doubt she can sing, but even Simon, one of her biggest fans, commented on her lack of personality calling her performance “a bit lazy, a little bit wooden.” Ouch. First cut is the deepest, Melinda.

Kiki didn’t fare much better in the eyes of the judges but I have to disagree. I thought her rendition of “Conga” was actually a lot of fun to watch. She moved around the stage, working the crowd and shaking her bodacious booty like the sexy lady that she is. You go, Kiki. I voted for you…over and over again.

Not so Chris Robinson whose take on Rob Thomas and Carlos Santana’s “Smooth” was anything but. The judges all liked it, Paula even called it “sexy.” (Watch out, Chris.) But the sound on my TV must be going because I heard an awful lot of pitch problems, a plethora of missed notes and a decided lack of rhythm in his karaoke-like performance. And what was up with that scarf around his neck when he met with J. Lo? She’s Jennie from the block dude, not you.

Now Haley could use some help from Tom & Katie’s new best friend. We all know the wedding singer’s two best assets – one comes in cup sizes and the other is a matching set of long and lean. The rest is so simple. She just needs to keep them on display. Simon, one of her biggest fans, commented on her “tactic at this point. Wear as least amount of clothes as possible.” Nobody knows how to show skin better than J. Lo. You borrow the green dress that made her famous and you’ve just bought yourself a couple more weeks on “Idol.” Every red-blooded American man who watched the hottie bounce around the theater singing “Turn the Beat Around” had to cast a vote for her. When Haley said her performance “got the audience going” do you really think she meant her singing?

Speaking of going, please let this be the week Phil Stacey takes his leave. His rehearsal gave J. Lo “goose pimples.” His performance gave me a reason to fast forward. Why do people vote for him? Simon said it was “nothing I can get excited about.” He’s right. But then the David Koresh lookalike said his daughter’s stuffed cow is named Simon Cow. Ugh, there he goes again. He always manages to slip something in that makes people want to give him a vote because he’s such a nice guy, he’s got a nice family and he’s in the military. And it seems to work, unfortunately.

Jordin Sparks sang “The Rhythm is Gonna Get You” and I liked it, a lot. Randy and Paula also sang her praises. Simon, though admitting she’s a “good singer” called it an “okay performance.” Seriously, was he even listening? She looked good, dressed age appropriately and finished with a huge note and a diva move. Seacrest might be right about her winning the whole thing.

But not without a fight from Blake Lewis. In what seems like the ultimate in suck-up moves, the beatboxer chose a song from the vast repertoire of Mr. J. Lo. And yet despite being turned off by this move, it was hard to not pick up the phone and vote for probably the best performance of the night. He worked the crowd, moved his body and made a few hearts go pitter patter as he deliverd, in Randy’s words, a “hot performance, dawg.”

I’m trying so hard to resist the temptation to use the cliché saving the best for last…let’s just say that seven singers later the only thing left was the performance all of America would be talking about the next day. Love him or hate him, it’s hard not to watch Sanjaya. And let’s face it, that’s what the producers want. Everyone knows who he is. Everyone has an opinion on his talent and his fate. And nearly everyone was probably surprised by his sweet, bi-lingual delivery of “Besame Mucho.” Sporting the kind of goatee that is the exclusive domain of 17-year olds, the national treasure even got Simon Cowell to admit “it wasn’t horrible.”

Let’s not forget Simon, Paula and Randy are the reason he made it to the top twenty-four. And let’s not forget the plethora of young girls, (and not-so-young as well I suppose), who probably got weak-kneed after he grinned for the camera and batted his puppy-dog eyes. Sanjaya’s no joke to the other contestants in this competition either. Somebody’s going home tonight and it won’t be him.

If there’s a bottom three, I’m guessing it’ll be Phil, Haley and (sadly) Melinda Doolittle. And, finally, I think tonight’s the night to say adios to Phil Stacey.

But first we get to watch an extended version of results night that includes a performance from J. Lo. 

I wish they’d bring the cheesy group numbers back. I miss them.

Until next time…

Vote for Sanjaya.

Go Kiki.

And, as always, Dussault, out.

Does anyone else think that Simon was in a particularly bad mood last night? Every time the camera caught him when he wasn’t “judging” he had the most bored, irascible look on his face. And then there’s his body language. I’m no expert but it looks to me like everyone’s favorite tart-tongued Brit has just about had it with “American Idol.” Even his usual plethora of pithy remarks was noticeably infrequent on Tony Bennett night. Let’s hope he was just having an off night…wouldn’t be much of a show without him.

Cowell aside, it wasn’t really much of a show last night anyway. Show biz legend Tony Bennett mentored the aspiring Idols who went to the Great American Song Book for material as they vied for one of the coveted eight slots in next week’s Latin music competition. The problem with the standards is that you have to be able to sing them in order to sound great. There’s no gimmickry, dance moves or special effects to mask flawed vocals in this genre and as a result last night proved that there are three superb singers in this competition. The good news for the other five is that although this professes to be a singing competition, there’s a heavy dose of popularity involved as well. If it were strictly singing, Melinda, Jordin and my girl Kiki would be battling it out for the title as the also rans made their way back to nowhere land.

Blake Lewis kicked off the competition with a rendition of “Mack the Knife” that the judges seemed to love. Even pissy Simon told the beat boxer “you performed it well.” Randy muttered something that seemed fairly indecipherable until Paula called him a “hip cat.” Straight up, Paula. As for me, I was bored. He should’ve listened to Tony Bennett’s advice about knowing what the song’s about. Macheath is a lurid, creepy slimeball who cuts people’s throats for fun. Blake was bouncing around trying too hard and coming across as a lounge lizard proving that he’s much more of an entertainer than a singer.

Phil Stacy, on the other hand, has bigger issues to deal with today than whether he’s a singer or an entertainer. Despite an impressive attempt at recovering from an awful outing by saying he was focused on his wife throughout his abysmal rendition of “Night and Day,” the David Koresh look-alike should spend the day packing. Only an act of God, or perhaps a mammoth faux pas by Stern fans and votefortheworst.com could possibly save this guy. He bet Chris Sligh fifty bucks that he would go home last week. He lost. Let’s hope he went double or nothing for this week. Feels like a sure thing. Simon hit the nail on the head when he said “it had all the joy of somebody singing in a funeral parlor.” Ask not for whom the bell tolls, methinks it tolls for Phil Stacy tonight at 9.

It was like pouring salt on a wound for the poor guy when Melinda Doolittle followed his debacle with a superb rendition of “I’ve Got Rhythm.” Clearly, there’s a wealth of Melinda friendly material in this genre and she made a great choice with the Irving Berlin classic. Randy called her performance a “lesson in singing.” Paula mumbled something about a “master class.” Simon called the first half of it “a bit cabaret.” Of course it is. Apparently Cowell doesn’t like cabaret even when it’s supposed to be cabaret. Somebody give him a sip from Paula’s cup, please.

I think they all must’ve had a sip or two before they proffered their two cents worth on Chris Robinson’s “Don’t Get Around Much Anymore.” When he met with Tony Bennett he hadn’t even learned the lyrics. How bad does this kid want this? First of all, there aren’t a lot of lyrics to this song. And secondly, you’re meeting with one of the music world’s greatest legends and you didn’t learn the lyrics? Big Mama ought to beat his behind when she gets ahold of him. Hopefully she’ll whop the triumvirate as well. They actually liked it. Randy called it his “best performance of the season.” Paula said he made it “hip and so cool.” Really? And Simon agreed with them. Somebody up there likes this kid but after this, I’m betting it’s not Duke Ellington.

Unlike Chris, Jordin Sparks is making all the right moves as she chases that million dollar recording contract like it’s worth a million bucks. Poised, confident and upbeat, the 17-year old delivered “On A Clear Day” just the way it’s supposed to be. Randy actually used the word the instead of da when he said “that was the bomb.” Paula was so overcome she proclaimed “I’m just so friggin proud of you.” Simon said it was “old-fashioned.” In this case that’s not a bad thing.

Rocker chick Gina Glocksen delivered what I thought was a very touching rendition of Charlie Chaplin’s “Smile.” Paula called it “understated, beautiful and seductive.” Randy said it was “a very nice, controlled performance.” Simon went on the attack when he snidely remarked, “I can’t rave about the vocals. Two girls came out before you and outsang you.” Perhaps they did, but there are eight slots in next week’s competition and Gina deserves one. She may not be in the top three, but she definitely belongs in the top five.

Another surefire entry into the top five is, drum roll please, Sanjaya. Huge kudos to the guy who said he’s the next Michael Jackson. Talk about hitting the nail on the proverbial head. Well done. My favorite Italian had a goal this week to “prove to America that (he) really can sing.” Don’t set your sights so high, Sanjaya. Just show up and we’ll keep voting for you. With slicked-back hair, a white suit and black shirt, the future superstar looked like he received a makeover from Ellen’s stylist. Singing “Cheek to Cheek,” the little flirt worked his way through the crowd winking, nodding and ultimately taking Paula for a quick spin before he returned to the stage for his big finish. Ever one to fold under the pressure of a little male attention the girl who brought us “Forever Your Girl” admitted she “get(s) why people love you…you’re charming.” Randy “couldn’t even comment on the vocals” but did admit he’s a “great entertainer.” And in one of his only good quips of the evening, Simon opined “let’s try a different tactic this week, incredible.” Incredible indeed. And the little train that could just keeps chugging along. If you’re worried that he’ll win, remember Chicken Little, John Stevens and Scott Savol all made it at least this far into the competition. Of course that was pre-Stern, so we’ll see.

At a rumored $750,000 per 30 seconds of ad time, do you think the producers really care who wins?

One thing’s for sure, it won’t be Haley Scarnato. The wedding singer, and I’m sure a very good one at that, sang an okay enough “Ain’t Misbehavin.” Thankfully, she pulled out the weapons of mass destruction again and likely earned herself a place in next week’s competition the old fashioned way…if you got it, flaunt