Versus' Blog

I
've been known to be a skeptical person regarding fad diets.  I've been a constant supporter of self improvement, but a critic on things like gastric bypass, that is, what I consider a forced change.  Self improvement has to come from inside you, not be placed inside you.  A few months back, I completely bashed a lady for going on Fox25 and bragging about how hard it is to lose weight, and her struggle after she got 'gastric bypass surgery'.  I bashed her because I felt that gastric bypass surgery is the cheap, weak way out of a hole you've dug yourself.  Soon after I posted that, I began thinking about how badly I needed to lose weight. 

I had people suggest gastric bypass surgery...numerous times.  Shoot, I weighed 450 lbs, I can only assume that people thought that would be my only option.  But no.   My fiance and I decided on a date for our wedding (sept. 20) and at that very minute, I realized that I am not one of the weak, I am not a morbidly obese soul lost in the universe of greasy deliciousness.  I am going to be the proof this world needs that there is no reason to rely on surgery, everything you need is literally at your feet.

So from that day, I started the induction phase of Atkins.  Not only that, but I simply added in 1.6 miles of walking a day.  Now, here I stand, 4 months later and I am proof that you don't need anything by the ability to say no, and 2 feet, to get yourself healthier.  Here's visual proof of the change, and I will update my blog again when I'm drastically closer to my goal weight.

But yeah, one more thing...
GASTRIC BYPASS SURGERY IS FOR QUITTERS!  (unless it's literally the last option, not just a last option because your tubby rear won't get up and walk.)

Here is my proof.  This is my holiday party December 2007, and under is July 19, 2008.  At this point, I've been on my diet for just about 4 months.


Before:





AFTER:

 This past Tuesday, in Holyhead, Wales, a man named Arwel Wynne Hughes attacked a few founders of a Jedi Church (Church of Jediism, Anglesey order). Apparently he was drunk off of 2 1/2 gallon box of wine, and accosted the men using a metal cane. He was quoted as yelling "Darth Vader! Jedis!" as he approached the men. Although he has no recollection of the events, he knows his actions were out of hand. He received a 2 month suspended sentence, and was ordered to pay the victims $195 each and the court $117.

Here's my problem...

Why is this crazy drunk old fool wasting his time on the Jedi's? Doesn't he realize there's a more destructive and evil force out there? SCIENTOLOGY!! How great would the video of crazy Tom Cruise getting smacked in the face with a metal cane, by a crazy drunk old guy yelling "TOP GUN!! COCKTAIL!!!" Let's see Tommy boy turn himself invisible then. That's why I'm putting this out there, to all the internet savvy wine-o's...that's right, all 2 of you. Put down your boxes of wine, and grab your crutches and canes!! You can benefit the world, for just once in your life. Make your way to any Scientology center in the world, walk in, and avoid the blank smiles, brochures and pamphlets, they give you to distract you from the searing evil in the building. Take a swill off of your boxes of Wine, grab your canes/crutches, and start swinging for the fences!!

VIVA LA-ANTI-SCIENTOLOGY!

Inspired by a post by Kevin_C in his blog titled "LolPats".  He say's "With all the photos [he's] taken, I’m thinking of starting up a new website, called LolPats based on the popular Lolcats website."  So, here are a few pictures I put together to kill time while I wait for 6:17pm tomorrow. 

 

The NY Giants flight arrived in Phoenix yesterday...LATE!  How could this happen?  Giants rookie cornerback, Aaron Ross delayed the flight an hour, after "getting sick" on the plane before take off.  He became the 6th player in the past 8 days to go down with these "flu like" symptoms.  But...is it the Flu, or is it something deeper?  Granted, they played in some crappy weather conditions, but you didn't see this happening after the Snow Bowl when the Patriots beat the Raiders.  Why?

I'll tell you why.

Because just like an 8 year old preparing to fight Mike Tyson with no gloves on, the Giants are so scared of losing, that they're preparing excuses for why they lost.  I can picture it now...
Michael Strahan - "We got blown out because I have the sniffles!"
Eli Manning - "I wasn't sick...no...wait...yes I was.  That's why I got intercepted 5 times."
Aaron Ross - "I wa....BLAAAAGGGHGHHGGH!"

Save it for your therapists, Giants players and fans alike.  Because you're going down in the record books, as the 16th and 19th team to lose to the Patriots in their undefeated GLORIOUS season!

I have officially lost my mind.  After a weekend that left me feeling like all I did was smoke a carton of cigarettes and do stomach crunches nonstop, yes, I'm full of hate and un-awesomeness right now.   So with that being said here are my most recent rants.

Gastric bypass surgery recipients:

Stop acting like you accomplished something.  On Fox this morning, I saw a lovely blonde lady (can't remember her name) explaining how difficult it is to make the lifestyle adjustment necessary for her stomach stapling to work appropriately.  Well you know what princess, here's something that nobody else has the cojones to say.  (Mind you, I'm no lightweight) 

**ahem**

YOU DIDN'T ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING!  What you did, was pay to have someone make your body force a change on you.  That's what that surgery does.  If you don't have the will power to change on your own, and need to get the surgery, you didn't succeed, you failed.  You said "It was difficult to make the lifestyle change" while your obscenely overweight doctor sits next to you explaining how important a healthy lifestyle is.  If you say "I tried every diet" blah blah.  NO.  No, you tried it for a week, smelled a big mac and took off for a McDonalds.  Why in the world was this horrible failure story and her obese doctor on the news bragging, and talking about how proud they are about the lifestyle change they made.  You know what, how about you show me a picture of you before, then lose a couple hundred Oreos, come back 8 sizes less from GOING TO THE GYM, and EATING HEALTHY, by your own free will, come on back, and say "I'm proud" and I'll agree.  Until then, you're a cop out failure of a human, you should be ashamed of your horrible marshmallow legs and your hypocritical doctor.  Now hit the gym, get off my tv, and have a good time puking up the cracker you eat for breakfast you weak willed nothing.

 

Nick Harwick (OL San Diego Chargers):

It was reported today that San Diego Chargers offensive lineman Nick Hardwick was a bit unhappy with the performance of our New England Perfectriots defensive end Richard Seymour.  After the game, Nick was quoted as saying that Richard Seymour is:
"a dirty, cheap, little pompous [expletive]."
also
"He's cheap and dirty, and the head man just let him get away with it the whole time,"

Ok, so a San Diego Charger is a sore loser?!  Nooooo, not the Chargers.   What a bunch of diaper soiling baby's.  Honestly, can the Patriots just beat you without you crying about something else?  I am officially going to start a petition to get the San Diego Chargers team name changed to the San Diego WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.   Nick Hardwick, you just got schooled by a Pro-Bowl caliber defensive end, welcome to the big leagues son!!  Like your boy Olchevsky on the opposite side of the ball, telling the Patriots to be "worried" about San Diego, you boys just got served.

SERVED I SAY!!!!



Daytime Judges:

Honestly, disbar them, now.  They're useless.  Imagine how great tv would be without worthless stupid, self indulged judges, sitting behind the desk on worthless cases involving 1984 Toyota Corollas and a $15 table!  I'd rather watch Drew Carey's horrible math skills on The Price Is Right on 20 different channels that that drivle. 

While we're on the subject, the same goes for makeover shows, like Maury and those other mistakes.  You're ugly!!  You see a professional for a day, and you're good looking.  You get home...

TADAAAA!!

YOU'RE FUGLY AGAIN!!!  Get over it!!

 

That will be all for today.  Thank you.

Coaches make motivational speeches before NFL games.  The Pats are no different.  But if you were Belichick, what would your focus be to get the boys amped up?



Mine? 
A highlight reel of everything that old bitter man Mercury Morris has twisted around in his head to make himself and the rest of the nursing home heroes feel less inferior to the greatest football team ever assembled.

Kris Kobach, a former counsel to then-Attorney General John Ashcroft who is currently the chairman of the Kansas GOP, sent out an email on Thur entitled “Kansas Republican Party Year in Review” in which he brags of voter caging. (crooksandliars.com, and slate.com)

"… Kris Kobach, chairman of the Kansas GOP, sent out a self-congratulatory litany of accomplishments. Among them was one particularly eye-catching item:

“To date, the Kansas GOP has identified and caged more voters in the last 11 months than the previous two years!” […]

Slate.com has the best comprehensive write-up on how the Republican Party employs caging techniques to suppress the votes of the poor, the deployed, and college students. (You know, likely Democratic voters.)

Did we mention it’s illegal? And that Kris Kobach is proud to be doing it?

Since Kris Kobach can’t expand his own party or force his own Party’s members to support his candidates he’s shamelessly trying to keep Democrats from voting instead. This is the stratagem of a desperate and shrinking party.

Someone needs to ask Kris Kobach which voters he’s caging and how he’s doing it. Someone like a newspaper editor or perhaps a Grand Jury. … (more)"  (from crooksandliars.com)

Now, what really gets at me is that
1) this will probably get little to no media attention.  (LISTEN UP BATTENFELD!! hehe)
2)  Mr. Kobach  will not spend any time in jail for doing what is technically illegal.

Why are these things happening still?  I now have no questions in my mind why Bush is in office, and why Gore just accepted the Nobel Peace Prize.  If Bush wasn't in office, do you think for one second he'd be getting a Nobel Peace Prize?  NO!  He'd be getting 2nd place in the New Years Pie Eating contest at his ranch, that is if he can allow the pie to leave the casing without making it stay in there for a few unnecessary years.

“To date, the Kansas GOP has identified and caged more voters in the last 11 months than the previous two years!"

Are you serious?!  This was in his year in review, and he put that on there as an ACCOMPLISHMENT!!  Isn't this like Michael Vick putting "Dog fighting" on his resume for his next NFL team?!  Granted, when I think of Kansas, I think white people, and I think 1985, because if it wasn't for the internet, that's the year they'd be stuck in, all 800 of them. (yes I'm exaggerating a bit) 

Am I alone here, there's so much wrong with what's going on in America. I just hate that I have to read it on the internet only, and the corporations that support these politicians control what's put on TV, hence why we don't see much of this stuff. 

Joe Battenfeld, I respect your journalism, I respect your honesty, and I respect what you stand for, and that seems to be the people's interests.  I realize that this is a story from Kansas, but don't you think this could potentially be a problem in more places if it's acceptable enough for Mr. Kobach

Since when does everyone know so much about politics? I'm trolling through youtube, looking for some music to listen to during my monotonous workday. In one of the video's I found, I see a comment underneath (I like to read the comments under the videos to see if there's any other recommendations from people who enjoy the same music as I do). The comment reads "Wake up America!" and it goes on to explain that if you want to hear the "Truth" go to his page! So...sadly, I follow to see exactly what this guy's all about. Well, it turns out it's another dropout turned political expert. Explaining how America should revert back to Silver and Gold because it holds it's value better, and how if we elect *** **** (I refuse to endorse or mention any politician, you'll understand shortly...all 2 people who actually read this) green paper money will be gone, and that candidate will make gold/silver our main currency. So, I'm sitting here and listening to this, and thinking how convenient it would be to leave a bank with 4 gold bars and 3 silver pieces...WHAT?! We're not pioneers, this isn't Oregon Trail! You want the value of paper money to go up, fix the economy. Now, I'm not saying I know HOW to fix it, but the guy that gets the job of "president" should have a better idea then to switch to gold and silver! And only uneducated rednecks (redneck - generally speaking, a 78 Pinto driving, 10 foot trailer owning, high school dropout, alcoholic failure at life) would think this is a great idea. The only other way to really get them on your side is maybe increase the value of trailers in trailer parks, where they're equally expensive as a house/lot in a gated community, then they can switch the currency to empty Natural Ice beer cans, and America can live in this dilapidated utopia.

Granted, I'm not up on politics. The reason for this is because I haven't voted in one election yet. (Key word there...yet)   Why don't I vote? Because I can't stand the thought of having to decide between which "candidate" lied to me best, and convinced me that they are thinking in America's best interest, and will be the best "leader" for this country. All I can do is pray that eventually, there's a candidate that's not a manipulative so-and-so...and that's not a fake, lying, ex-first wife with man shoulders and a mean set of cankles...that's not a former governor of Massachusetts where he did nothing but use that as a format to begin lobbying for support for his presidential campaign and actually spent about 2 months of his term actually, IN Massachusetts...who's not 90 years old and although he's a decent candidate, is about 20 breaths from the heart attack that ends it all...who's not using the color of their skin to further their political agenda (getting Oprah, come on!)... who's not taking $4 million dollars gained in one event to come up with genius ideas like switching currency back to gold and silver.

Nothing's going to change, and that stinks.

Now, back to my rant about uneducated nothings taking what they hear on the news, and their supported party's websites and re-stating it. Shut up!! 10:38 seconds of blabbing from a know nothing, unkempt, unemployed jackass that ruined some girls life by giving her a baby, yet has enough time to sit down for **10 minutes (If he did it in one take...yeah, he didn't do that in one take, I'm telling you that right now)  and talk to a webcam. I never thought that the internet has caused delusions of intelligence, so severe that people rant for 10+ minutes repeating the propaganda they feed you on the news and candidates websites. I'm thanking my god right now that I'm going to die before this country becomes a nation of illiterate toenail biting Neanderthals.

By the way, the EX MASSACHUSETTS GOVERNORS COMPANY JUST BOUGHT CLEAR CHANNEL.  So help me, if (by some miracle) he gets voted into office, FTW, I'm moving to Amsterdam.

"Santas across Sydney are rebelling against attempts to ban their traditional greeting of "ho, ho, ho" in favour of "ha, ha, ha"." (news.com.au)

Yep, that's right, the lunacy continues!  Turns out that a "Santa Training Company" (Because saying "What do you want for Christmas?", "Ho ho hoo" and keeping your hands off the kids deserves a training course  :/  )  is telling trainees that the traditional "Ho Ho Ho" phrase could "frighten children and offend women."  Westaff Recruitment Firm (Santa training facility) lost 3 Santa trainees due to this attempt at cleaning up old St. Nicks dirty cookie crumb ridden mouth. 

And I say, it's about time.  How much longer can we allow such a joyful sound to permiate from a staple of what NOT to be in the world.  Overweight, probably balding, clearly a representative of the "Bloods" with all of the red he wears, and all of this time we thought the "Ho ho ho" was just an expression of good will and happiness.  Little did we know that the man who travels around the world in one night, to deliver gifts to all of the little boys and girls, was saying "Ho ho ho" to frighten the children, and insult the women...not once, but 3 times!! 

I say we boycott Santa, at holiday time, leave him Tofu, bottled water, and the script from the vagina monologues to help him appreciate the female point of view more.  Then, maybe next year we can get the perfect metro-sexual Santa!  In all of his perfectly groomed goatee, waxed eyebrows, 6 pack abs, manicured/pedicured, pink collared shirt, tight Armani slacks, politically overly-correct, glory!

Happy Holidays to all and to all, EUUUUUUUUGHK!!!

Mind you, I'm a judgemental person.

So, the Massachusetts Highway Department decided to make 128 a deathtrap. Early yesterday morning, a gentleman drove over one of those square sewer grates. As you probably know, it shot up off the ground and crashed into a gentleman in a Toyota head on. This coming after 2 previous warnings from drivers on the highway of a similar, if not the same grate. Good job guys. I hope the next guy who forgets to weld down a grate drives down the highway, and drives over it only to have it shoot off of the ground, and castrate him. What if there were kids in the car? And you KNOW he's 42 year old, Mr. No Shirt, Jose Canseco sunglasses, tattoo of a leprechaun on one arm, and a big Red Sox "B" on the other. "Screw that, I don't need to weld down no stupid grate, I'm too busy flexin! God I can't wait to get back to my house so I can look in my 100 mirrors!" What a waste, and if I ever have to call the State Highway Department to report something wrong on the highway, I'm not going to. What's the point? I have a feeling the only way the Mass Highway Dept. does anything about anything, is they're directly involved. Don't you love the "Hey, that's their problem" attitude from a good portion of "our" government? In summation before I get to my main point, "Massachusetts Highway Department: Strike 2"


Fell better?

Yep.

Now, because of these peope, my ride to visit a friend in Brockton then home, went from a 1 hour to about 2 and a half. It was the equivalent to riding to Laconia, NH when traffic is moderate. The ride there wasn't that bad, the highway, although packed, moved relatively quickly. But then again, I was going south. The northbound side...ehh...not so much. Narrowed down from 3 to 1 lane, traffic backed up to route 3, so I knew that I wasn't taking the highway on the way home, no sirree. Knowing my friend as long as I have, helped me in figuring a way home using sideroads and avoiding the craziness on the highway. Turns out they have this thing called "GPS" that does that for you now. I didn't know that. BUT, luckily enough 7,432,888 grandparents driving Cadillac Escalades and other vehicles that were far too big for them, did! It's great staring at their GPS screen for 45 minutes, after sitting behind them for a mile going 2 miles an hour for 8 miles. And the spots where we could go the speed limit, we didn't, because she didn't have her Kashi so she doesn't have the leg power necessary to push down the pedal. I know the next right, about 1/8 of a mile away, takes me around the big lines of traffic, so I wait. I wait, hoping that Whistlers mother, and father time don't have their hearing aids up and miss the 'take right here'. But noooo. What do I see? A lil red arrow, then I see the lady driving turn her amazingly still hair, to her right and start talking to the person in the passengers seat. Here's how I expect the conversation went.

Granny - "WHY IS THE LITTLE TV YELLING AT ME!!?!!?!"
Granpa - "It says turn right!"
Granny - "WHAT SHOW ARE WE WATCHING?"
Granpa - "NO! It says that you need to turn the car right up ahead."
Granny - "I'M DRIVING?!"

Needless to say, the car holding the couple who survived not only WW1 and WW2, but also the meteor that killed off the dinosaurs, went the same exact way I did. All I can say is that I appreciate my youth a lot more. But I'm going to appreciate being an old driver and goin 2 in a 45 every single day for the rest of my short existence.

Me1 - In other news, I saw thing thing on the news...
Me2 - Was I trying to segway?
Me1 - Yep.
Me2 - Don't do that again.

While my inner beings argue, I do have something to say about the news. Last week, Fox25 polled the audience asking if parents should allow their children to play and hang around obese children, and if hanging around obese people made you obese.

You may not care about that, but I do. Why? Because I know obese people.

(Me1 - You know obese people?
Me2 - Um....yeah.
Me1 - You mean you ARE obese people.
Me2 - I guess.
Me3 - I'm hungry!)

So, I'm watching this news segment and thinking to myself, "WHY?" I realize being what some might call "Fat" isn't the greatest thing ever. Sure, it's unhealthy, but any fat person who tells you it's a disease or something is a damn liar. I'll admit it right now, I'm lazy, every fat person is lazy and probably eating before they go to bed.

With that being said, these polls that the news' hold are beginning to get me a bit concerned. They seem to be getting a bit more harsh as they continue. The first ones were something like "Do you think obesity is a problem?" Next it will be "Should we just kill em off?" Here's what I call "Timeline for Tubby", an evaluation of what could happen to myself and other big beautiful people if society continues on this path of hatred.

2007 - TV convinces parents not to let their children be around fat kids.
2007 - TV convinces parents that allowing your child to hang around fat kids will result in your child dropping out of middle school, picking up a nasty taste for granpas ol' cough medicine, marrying a bag meth habit and pimples.
2009 - Out of fear, anti-fat establishments are formed, feeding fat people dietary pills while they sleep. Women and children also.
2010 - Schools are segregated based on weight.
2012 - "Thin's only" bathroom signs installed around the country.
2013 - Busses install better shocks in the rear of the bus, and direct all obese people to sit only in the back.
2014 - "Fats only" water fountains installed. 1 per state. "Thins only" juice fountains installed every 100 feet of the country. Even Montana.
2015 - I begin to get motivated to do something.
2017 - Congress passes a bill giving thin people to right to cut fat people in line.
2020 - I organize a protest outside of the White House. Government sends Crispy Cream, Dunkin Donuts and McDonalds down. Protest becomes a buffet, 7 die due to heart attacks.
2021 - I decide the internet may be a better idea. I try that, but failed to realize I organized it around dinner time.
2022 - Fat people form our own organization, and political party. The Hippo party, the Demofats, is formed, and we finally have a presidential candidate. He is shot 19 times by and elephant gun, survives, gets elected president.
2023 - President gets gastric bypass surgery, re-instates slavery.
2026 - Fat people are auctioned off at low prices outside of Pizza Parlors everywhere.
2034 - People realize that fat people aren't good slaves and release them.
2047 - Fat people everywhere move to Maine and claim that land as their own.
2058 - Maine is acknowledged as it's own country.
2067 - Marijuana is legalized. Fast food are the only affordable meals. Whole country becomes fat.
2088 - USA is slower, sweatier, and much happier. Other countries follow.

You get it. Sometimes I wonder why we can't just let people live. Everyone judges if gay people should get married, and why? Is it that much of a burden to buy a wedding gift? Maybe matching coozies, or a Foreman Grill? Overweight people are just people that need to deal with a situation, stop involving yourselves and judging. Depeche Mode actually made a point once by saying "People are people So why should it be You and I should get along so awfully." I might as well have said "Life's a garden, dig it." but you get my point.

In the news this past weekend, I read a story that to this minute, still has me baffled.  A father (Joshua Royce Mauldin, age 19) in Galveston, TX is in jail after trying to MICROWAVE HIS BABY!!!!   Yes that's the worst, part.  But of course, there's more to this story.  The mother (Eva Marie Mauldin, age 20) is defending the father, saying "Satan saw my husband as a threat. Satan attacked him because he saw (Joshua) as a threat."  Now she goes on to say that her husband isn't the "monster they think he is."  Even as far as to create a myspace for her microwave crazy husband to support him (myspace page is called "Joshua Mauldin is not a monster"). 

Well, Joshua Mauldin IS a monster.  Here's what I think happened, because there's no way I'm going to ever believe that "Satan took over me" nonsense.  He got a woman pregnant, and had to force himself to become a man.  He couldn't.  So he goes on and continues playing daddy until he finally snaps and tosses the kid in the radiation chamber.  His wife walks in and is like "Why is the baby in the microwave?!" he's like "Um........I was.........SATAN!!! SATAN DID IT TO ME!!! You remember how I was trying to become a preacher after having a kid out of wedlock before I could even legally drink?  Well, so far, I haven't tried...but um....Satan, yeah he was like "You shouldn't be a preacher, microwave the baby!"  And I didn't want to, but Satan took control, that's why my Hot Pocket's still on the counter.   If I were gonna microwave my baby, I might as well throw my delicious Hot Pocket in there too." 

Ok, so it was VAAAAAGUELY like that.  Regardless, what woman would believe that bs story about Satan?!  And even as far as to make a myspace, while your kid looks like he just survived the A-Bomb from 100 yards away!  There are problems with today's kids, and here's why.  Texas might as well be included in the "bible belt" for this one.

In the ever expanding area of the country called the "Bible belt" lives a very individualistic group of people.  These people are the "god fearing" people of the world.  But in this generalization of  "god fearing people", there are 2 types.  Worshippers and holy manipulating.  There's no other way to explain it.  The worshippers, as odd as their get together and feel the power of the lord, dance around and make fools of yourself in big groups, they're generally good people.  Then there's the people who use religion as a tool to defend their own agendas.  A couple good examples would be this lady who's "defending her husbands actions," as well as the group from Kansas who protested outside of one of our soldiers funerals because he happened to be gay. 

I'm not sure, but blaming Satan for something your screwed up husband did is (in my opinion) religion used as a defense mechanism.  Face it people, just like our grandparents always said "This world's going to hell in a handbasket", except since it's the age of technology, the handbaskets been replaced with a microwave.  God help us all. 

Except those jackasses.  Let em rot.